you can only give so much.

I’m having a tough time coping lately.

I keep wanting to just talk to someone. And I’m not talking about a professional, I’m talking about a loved one, friend, family…literally anyone I trust.

That’s the problem. I’m that type of person. The empath. I am always there when you need me. It can be 3 AM, if you need me I will so far as to drive to you and bring you some pizza or ice cream. But somehow nobody’s ever interested in turning the situation around. I’m not being there for you so you can return the favor. I’m being there because I truly and completely care.

Nobody wants to actually take a few minutes to listen. If I’m having a crappy day then I won’t necessarily tell you, but if it’s beyond crappy, that I feel like I’ve hit an all time low, then I will tell you. But I’m a giver. And most I know are takers. I give so much every day. Every time that you feel a pinch of sadness I will be there. But if everyone just keeps taking, and I just keep giving then some day there will be nothing to take, or to give. I will just become another face in a yearbook. Or some girl that you went to High School with. Some colleague that you’re pretty sure was nice to you. Or you hated her. But either way you can’t remember.

I don’t want my name in shining lights. I don’t need to be praised. I don’t need anything like that. All I’m asking for is a little respect, appreciation and a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

I guess my expectations of people I know are too high.

I haven’t felt this alone in a long time.

But tomorrow, I will put on a happy face. I will act like everything is okay. And I will keep taking people’s shit, or blame, or whatever else you want to accuse me of. Because frankly, I’m too tired to do anything else.

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Facing The Truth

“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”

I’ve always had low confidence. When I was younger I was bullied, and that really has a great effect on a person’s self-esteem. Making them wonder what’s wrong with them every day, while getting told you’re not worth it.

I’ve really been trying hard to work on it, or at least change my attitude towards life. I’ve never been able to truly stand up for myself, which is why it’s so easy for people to walk over me.

At work I’m faced with these situations every day. People treat me badly and I take it. There were a few times where I stood up for myself, but it always ended ugly. So now, I keep my head down and do my work. It’s difficult, let me tell you, letting people treat you like shit and having to take it just to survive the day.

I guess we can’t all be brave. I’m trying to be though, but for now… my bravery stand in keeping my mouth shut while at work. They’re not my enemy no matter how badly they treat me some days. We’re part of a team, and if it means taking a few beatings to survive – I’ll do it.

I’ve said what I need to say, and I’m proud of how far I’ve already come.