you can only give so much.

I’m having a tough time coping lately.

I keep wanting to just talk to someone. And I’m not talking about a professional, I’m talking about a loved one, friend, family…literally anyone I trust.

That’s the problem. I’m that type of person. The empath. I am always there when you need me. It can be 3 AM, if you need me I will so far as to drive to you and bring you some pizza or ice cream. But somehow nobody’s ever interested in turning the situation around. I’m not being there for you so you can return the favor. I’m being there because I truly and completely care.

Nobody wants to actually take a few minutes to listen. If I’m having a crappy day then I won’t necessarily tell you, but if it’s beyond crappy, that I feel like I’ve hit an all time low, then I will tell you. But I’m a giver. And most I know are takers. I give so much every day. Every time that you feel a pinch of sadness I will be there. But if everyone just keeps taking, and I just keep giving then some day there will be nothing to take, or to give. I will just become another face in a yearbook. Or some girl that you went to High School with. Some colleague that you’re pretty sure was nice to you. Or you hated her. But either way you can’t remember.

I don’t want my name in shining lights. I don’t need to be praised. I don’t need anything like that. All I’m asking for is a little respect, appreciation and a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

I guess my expectations of people I know are too high.

I haven’t felt this alone in a long time.

But tomorrow, I will put on a happy face. I will act like everything is okay. And I will keep taking people’s shit, or blame, or whatever else you want to accuse me of. Because frankly, I’m too tired to do anything else.

Facing The Truth

“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”

I’ve always had low confidence. When I was younger I was bullied, and that really has a great effect on a person’s self-esteem. Making them wonder what’s wrong with them every day, while getting told you’re not worth it.

I’ve really been trying hard to work on it, or at least change my attitude towards life. I’ve never been able to truly stand up for myself, which is why it’s so easy for people to walk over me.

At work I’m faced with these situations every day. People treat me badly and I take it. There were a few times where I stood up for myself, but it always ended ugly. So now, I keep my head down and do my work. It’s difficult, let me tell you, letting people treat you like shit and having to take it just to survive the day.

I guess we can’t all be brave. I’m trying to be though, but for now… my bravery stand in keeping my mouth shut while at work. They’re not my enemy no matter how badly they treat me some days. We’re part of a team, and if it means taking a few beatings to survive – I’ll do it.

I’ve said what I need to say, and I’m proud of how far I’ve already come.

There’s A Difference

There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone.

I do not think most people understand the distinction, but I know there are some of you that will get exactly what I’m about to say. You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. There could be 10 people around you, or even two. However, you might still have this horrible feeling of loneliness. Loneliness isn’t about your surroundings, it’s about what’s inside – what’s missing. Alone, on the other hand, is when you are the only person in the room. Maybe you’re sitting alone in your apartment, eating leftover pizza from last night, or you’re house sitting for your neighbours, nobody’s around yet somehow it doesn’t bother you that much. You could be on a park bench reading a book for all I know.

I think that being lonely is that missing part of your soul that doesn’t fill up, even when there are people around.

Because when those people disappear and they all go home, you still have that aching feeling inside of you. It never really fades, and you don’t know if you will ever feel whole again.

I recently met someone. One of the strongest people I’ve ever met. She could be an inspiration to a lot of people, hell, she’s an inspiration to me. She made me realize that it doesn’t matter how many people you know, or how many friends you have. What counts is how many of those friends really knows you. How many of them know your actual story when the curtains close, when the makeup comes off and when the sun goes down. They know when something is wrong, and they are willing to be there no matter what.

I promise you there are good people in the world, you’re just looking in all the wrong places. If you meet at least one of those types of people in your existence, grab onto them and do not let them go. For they will be the ones saving you in the end.

Trying Again

Hello World,

I’ve been writing for a long time now, and every time something bad happens – I stop.

My blog has kept so many memories and secrets that I feel it’s kind of unhealthy.

So, I have decided to start over. Completely fresh and new.

I’ll catch you up on a few things…

Before I stepped away – I was blogging about how depressed I was and to be honest, I was going through a really tough time in my life and I guess I vented online (which is not always the best thing to do). However, I am trying to shake that. I don’t want to write sad things anymore. Yes I am going to have my bad days – BUT I can always take one positive thing out of the situation and live by that. I was living a toxic life. My mom always says that if you keep on telling yourself how bad things are going over and over again – things will get worse. Which is ultimately the truth. It took me a long time to accept it, but I finally did.

More about my life… Yes I’m not 100% happy, but I have more than enough to keep me going. I have passed my 6 months at my job, and I honestly didn’t think I would be able to do it for so long. I have really bad anxiety so it all seemed so difficult and overwhelming. Yes I still have days where I might go into a panic at work, but I also have those days where I feel like I can actually do this.

I lost one of my friends in the process. There was also excuses being made whenever we wanted to hang out, so eventually I made the toughest decision and just ended it. I couldn’t do it anymore, and it was killing me inside to be let down each time… so eventually I just stopped talking to her.

Ghosting is probably not the best way to end a friendship, but if I think about it now, there really wasn’t another way.

I won’t say I’m happy or doing great, but it’s not going bad. I’m actually fine. I have those days, but damn I’m kind of kicking life’s ass at the moment.

I still have a long way to go, but I’m getting there one step at a time.

I hope you’ll stick by me on my new journey of life.

So, to new readers – Welcome.

To my loyal readers – I’ve missed you.